As much as I want to talk to you I can't

I am still at the point where I just leave it alone. I am not doing something bad. I am not doing something good either. But I do I have a few reasons why.

1. I am scared. What if I find myself unanswered? What if I am just talking to a ghost again? Or worst what if I won't get noticed.

2. I still have doubts. I am not so sure if it's alright to be me with you. I still have my guard up what all the things that happened. You can't blame me though for that it's better to be safe than sorry.

3. I am sort of conscious of what people think if I do talk to you. I mean they see everything. And when change is detected, it would be a whole new story for everyone to talk about. And I am fearful that some might stir up something bad about it. I don't have the strength to fight it anymore, like last time.

4. I don't want to be in the situation that it's always me who approaches first. It didn't matter before, but now it totally does. My pride couldn't take the heat. I have to save some for myself, right? And if you do try to do this approaching thing, it might just show that you want to work on being familiar again. That and courage.

5. It's awkward. Do I need to explain further? I just really don't know how to be around you anymore.

I really do want to talk to you but a lot of things are just in the way. Before, I could ignore those things so easily. But now I can't, now that I know. Now that I see. I want to break that barrier, but I can't seem to find the solution anymore. The solution that was in my grasp before. I don't know if I will. I don't know if I can.

why am I thinking so deep? It's not like me, I am usually carefree. :P