As much as I want to talk to you I can't

I am still at the point where I just leave it alone. I am not doing something bad. I am not doing something good either. But I do I have a few reasons why.

1. I am scared. What if I find myself unanswered? What if I am just talking to a ghost again? Or worst what if I won't get noticed.

2. I still have doubts. I am not so sure if it's alright to be me with you. I still have my guard up what all the things that happened. You can't blame me though for that it's better to be safe than sorry.

3. I am sort of conscious of what people think if I do talk to you. I mean they see everything. And when change is detected, it would be a whole new story for everyone to talk about. And I am fearful that some might stir up something bad about it. I don't have the strength to fight it anymore, like last time.

4. I don't want to be in the situation that it's always me who approaches first. It didn't matter before, but now it totally does. My pride couldn't take the heat. I have to save some for myself, right? And if you do try to do this approaching thing, it might just show that you want to work on being familiar again. That and courage.

5. It's awkward. Do I need to explain further? I just really don't know how to be around you anymore.

I really do want to talk to you but a lot of things are just in the way. Before, I could ignore those things so easily. But now I can't, now that I know. Now that I see. I want to break that barrier, but I can't seem to find the solution anymore. The solution that was in my grasp before. I don't know if I will. I don't know if I can.

why am I thinking so deep? It's not like me, I am usually carefree. :P


Following some overdue friendly advice

Trouble. I try my best to avoid those since they end up so messy that cleaning it up would be the hardest thing to do. It is so hard that I would just hide and not deal with it. It's pretty easy. I can suck it up because the fixing it part is not my forte. I find myself so uncomfortable and awkward when I do try the fixing thing. So I don't do it. That has been me for as long as I remember.

But a certain someone has actually told me a million times to grow up. That I need to try and do the fixing thing. Just try. It doesn't have to be perfect but the effort is the thing that matters.

There was this one thing happened to me lately and that gave me the guts to do this fixing thing. Maybe it was because it was time for me to grow up as some would say. Maybe it was because it was important enough for fixing. Maybe I just wanted to do it just for the heck of it. I don't know, but one thing's for sure: I did it.

I gotta tell you, it was freakishly nerve wracking. I have a share of experiences of being on stage and talking to a lot of people - it was okay. But I knew this was different. I felt like I was letting myself be open. My wall was slowly dissolving. And I felt so exposed. And so vulnerable. My calmness was taken away from me. There was this built up uncertainty that was getting bigger and bigger. Even if I knew what I need to say, my ability to talk coherently turned in one liners and uh-huh's and yeahs. I felt so weird and so awkward but I had to deal with it since I was already doing it.

After the attempted fixing thing. I kinda felt accomplished because I got through it. But deep inside I knew I need some improvement. I also know that this thing wouldn't be the last. There would always be a next.

So cheers for me finally following an overdue friendly advice. It gave me courage to do something that I was I afraid of. And it got me realize that what I was afraid of wasn't that bad at all, it just needed some getting used to.



So this Tuesday, I have taken on a job that I have never done before. Can you guess what it is? It's actually the title of my blog. YES! Hosting! Why? Well because I want to try something like that. I am actually working on the script now.

I am bit nervous but I always try to calm myself reminding myself that I am just hosting. I am the one who will facilitate the event. I am not the one who will be doing the main thing which is presenting their thesis (I'm hosting a research competition btw). And with that I want to wish the other half of my RLE good luck on that day - they're part of it. :) AIM FOR NUMBER 1! Maybe the more I'm exposed to the stage, the more I will comfortable with it. I have been exposed to that stage once before, but the atmosphere on this one is different. But I am relieved that I am not alone on this one. I do have a partner. And I know he'll be there in every step of the way. :)

Wish me luck.


That 10th school.

Moving to different places was something that I am used to compared to the ordinary person. I have been to different places through out my life. I met different people along the way. It was different from the usual kid life a child is supposed to have.

I am actually proud to say that I have been to 10 schools through out my life. All this moving started when I was in 4th grade. I transferred to this whole new place and I didn't take it well. I was a juvenile delinquent in school. I was a brat to my parents. And on top of that, my grades were low. My parents said that this was a new adventure. I would be in a new place: new house and new school. I would meet new people. They left out the part where I would leave the place I called home. I would leave my first house, my first school and my closest friends. I was acting out. And they knew that. But after some time there was something from inside that told me I had to snap out of it and live life. And this was coming from a fourth grade student. So I saw moving as what my parents described.

As for the next 8 schools, I see this travelling thing as a good thing. I was an expert at introducing myself in front of the class and making a good impression and then eventually obtaining friends. I was also used to saying goodbye. It was like all this was normal to me.

But as I finish this school year, this talent of mine has become pretty much rusted. Maybe it's because I haven't been labelled as the new transferee for such a long time. Maybe it's because my father's job doesn't require the whole family to move like before. Maybe it's because this time I had to stay in this school for 4 years unlike the others.

The idea of moving wasn't talked about in the family anymore maybe that's why my talent faded away as well. :) I need a little bit of it though since graduation is almost near. But I like this feeling. This feeling that I do have the opportunity to make friends and to keep them for a long time and not disappear on them in a flash. People got to see me grow. People got to know the whole part of me, not just the one who always had to make a good impression. This little part of my life broke the wall that I have built ever since I started moving.

College life really has its perks.


And I start blogging again. :P

Every year I buy myself a planner so that I could be organized. And by the end of every year i find myself not fully utilizing that planner. There are so many blank pages for the days I forget to write because I was so busy and I was so lazy. Every year that planner is half accomplished. And I say: What a waste of paper. So this year I got myself a journal.

A blank book where I can just write anything I want. A blank book where I am not obligated to write every single day. A blank book where I am just free.

That book was with me ever since the year 2011 started. It's filled with my thoughts and everything that has been happening to me. I even share it to my friends. I can't call it private anymore. :) Some people get curious as to what I have written in that tiny book. But that tiny book has its limitations. It can't reach every single person, that's why I started blogging again. :)

Stay posted. :)

-Lia joyce