Got nothing to lose. :)

What if? 

That question that can really make your head spin. The degree of uncertainty it entails, the big of a risk you have to take to know the answer, the frustration of not knowing, the many possibilities that can happen but not knowing which one will happen in the end. And it's all mashed into two words.

If this question is left unanswered, regret is what you will get.

I have encountered what if's every time. Sometimes it's just a teeny tiny event and sometimes it's life-changing.   

This time.. I think I have encountered the biggest what if of my life, and I have decided to know the answer to this what if. I decided to take the risk because I don't want to get devoured by regret.

I decided to face the dreaded question and now I am at the point where the answer is so near but it hasn't revealed itself. It has given me mixed feelings of happiness, relief, confusion, anxiety.. What will happen now? 

Regret is out of the table, but now I am here facing uncertainty and soon enough closure. :) 

Perks of Being a Wallflower

I watched Perks of Being a Wallflower alone today.

It's kind of sad at first but I got over it since I am such the movie buff and I think I can manage being alone in the movie theater. That and how much I wanted to watch that movie very much. 

So there I was purchasing a ticket for 1. Usually I go to the movies either with my family or friends, but this time that's not the case. My friends and family were too busy to go. 

So I just sat there, relaxed, and watched the movie trailers and waited for the movie to begin. 

It was weird just watching by myself. There was no one to talk to or comment on about what the hell happened, but as I watched the movie I came to realize that I needed to watch this particular movie on my own. It opened up old wounds. It opened the emo side of my so called happy life. 

Did I ever mention that I have been enrolled to 10 schools already? Pretty awesome right? No. Not really. It was a roller coaster ride. It damaged me as I grew up. All the separation and the isolation and the starting over, over and over again in an endless cycle. That's how I could relate to Charlie in the movie. I felt what he felt. I had been in that situation, the situation where you don't have friends. the situation where you don't know where to go, where to belong. I was struggling like Charlie.

In the moment where Patrick toasted to Charlie and welcoming him in their little clique, I can't help but cry, I didn't even had the chance to stop it. The tears just streamed down uncontrollably. Acceptance, knowing where you belong after all the times that you feel helpless and lost, it's like a ray of sunshine after a long storm. You finally know you have something to lean on. Maybe that's why I value friendship very much, because I had to earn it the hard way. Maybe that's why I don't give in too quickly because I know how important it is. 

Everyone has their own scars. I have my own. I needed that movie. I needed that movie all to myself. I think it was meant for me to be watched alone. After the movie it gave me feelings of relief and hope that everything will get better and the better for each and everyone of us has it's own timing.  

Don't let this movie pass, okay? It has everything. It's about friendship, it's ups and downs and everything in between. It'll make you laugh and cry. You'll feel what they feel. It's as if you're with them. And you won't regret every minute you watch it :)

-liajoyce  

I just find it interesting

How in one moment in life you are just there minding your own business and then BAM! Someone tells you he likes you. It actually stops the momentum of the routine that has been naively established. It widens your perspective in view of your mundane life. It's the one that makes the ripple in undisturbed waters.

The question is though, what do you do about it?

Do you say thank you, then walk away?

Do you delve deeper and find out if it's worth something?

It really is about the choices we make in life that will decipher if it was worth fighting for.

-liajoyce

PS: Yes, I know it's been a while. :)

So what now?

Hey everyone! And by everyone I meant those people who actually read my teeny tiny blog amongst all the millions and billions of blogs out there in the world. :P it has been a while since I blogged, and it's about time that I do, AGAIN.

So what now?

Well just to let you know I passed my nursing licensure exams months ago, I even started training, and I applied to be a staff nurse to various hospitals.. I am now at a point wherein I have to go through the waiting process. That indefinite waiting process.

What should I do?

Do training again? I am pretty much tired of the whole I have to pay for the training and I only get experience in return. I studied for 4 years to get paid with the education my parents paid for. Isn't that enough to land me a job? Plus.. where do I get the money? My parents discouraged me from getting jobs that are way off from nursing. That leaves me unemployed with no money. :P I hope that in the near future I do get a job.

I wait.

It has only been less than 2 months that I have nothing to do. I seriously have a lot of time to kill, though the problem is I am alone. My parents are at work and my brother's in school. It blows my mind that I am just so stagnant. I want to move forward and I hope I do get that chance to.

I have a lot of free time on my hands.. I think I should use it as wisely as I can.

A heart's a heavy burden

I love to watch movies. I tend to watch and hope that I get a lesson out of each and everyone of them. The other day I watched Howl's Moving Castle. I have watched it more than once but in different moments of my life. The content of the movie was always the same but different messages are relayed to me when I did watch it.

There was this one line that I always remember. It was said in the latter part of the movie. The line was: A heart's a heavy burden.

The first time I watched it that line to me was just another sentence. Maybe even humor conveyed by the character in the movie. I never quite understood what it meant. Maybe it was because I was just too happy or I haven't really experienced problems that were so hard to bear. But the reason why I am very sure that I hardly understood that sentence was because I was too young.

Years passed and I watched that same movie again. And again that character said the line: A heart's a heavy burden. And then I found myself nodding as if I finally understood what she meant.

It was true, what she said. And it still remains true til now and I think the til the future as well. so take care of your hearts everyone. :) Don't wait til that sentence finally gives you its meaning. :)

Happy Kid

There was this happy kid. A happy kid that finally met the match of a lifetime. And what that happy kid fought was sadness. It was a feeling that was opposite to her lifestyle. It was a feeling so unfamiliar to her. Sadness, for the most part would always be defeated by her smile and laughter. But this time it was different, this time her smile and her laughter was defeated. How so? The burden that of that sadness was too heavy for her to handle. It finally collapsed on her and made her go in to a void of sadness. How can she escape this? How can she cope? She tried and tried with anyway possible to be that happy kid once again but she finally realized she can't go back, she can't be what she used to be. She was tainted and it was permanent.

It took her a long time to realize that she was looking at her situation the wrong way. She realized that she was still that happy kid all along it was just that she was faced with a problem. She finally realized that she was growing up. She finally realized the reality of what life really is. It took her a while to see it all because she just saw one side of the picture. She just saw the beautiful side of it and ignored the ugly side. And when that ugly side resurfaced.. it turned into sadness that she couldn't fully accept just yet.

Life is never really perfect, each and everyone of us has to deal with setbacks. It doesn't make us any less of a person it actually makes us more human.

That's life we just have to take it as it is. :)

As much as I want to talk to you I can't

I am still at the point where I just leave it alone. I am not doing something bad. I am not doing something good either. But I do I have a few reasons why.

1. I am scared. What if I find myself unanswered? What if I am just talking to a ghost again? Or worst what if I won't get noticed.

2. I still have doubts. I am not so sure if it's alright to be me with you. I still have my guard up what all the things that happened. You can't blame me though for that it's better to be safe than sorry.

3. I am sort of conscious of what people think if I do talk to you. I mean they see everything. And when change is detected, it would be a whole new story for everyone to talk about. And I am fearful that some might stir up something bad about it. I don't have the strength to fight it anymore, like last time.

4. I don't want to be in the situation that it's always me who approaches first. It didn't matter before, but now it totally does. My pride couldn't take the heat. I have to save some for myself, right? And if you do try to do this approaching thing, it might just show that you want to work on being familiar again. That and courage.

5. It's awkward. Do I need to explain further? I just really don't know how to be around you anymore.

I really do want to talk to you but a lot of things are just in the way. Before, I could ignore those things so easily. But now I can't, now that I know. Now that I see. I want to break that barrier, but I can't seem to find the solution anymore. The solution that was in my grasp before. I don't know if I will. I don't know if I can.

why am I thinking so deep? It's not like me, I am usually carefree. :P

-Liajoyce